Ten Ways Dad Can Help

I'm not sure about you, but sometimes it feels like the women do all the hard work when it comes to the early stages of having a baby. Moms carry the child for nine plus months, then have to deliver through either pushing a baby out of a ten centimeter hole or having major surgery, and then finally have to recover from a major health event while also taking care of a helpless new human. Whew - that's a lot! On the flip side, dads often feel left out and have difficulties bonding with their little one since the baby and mom are still so entwined. As a nurse, I often get dads that do not know how to practically help the mom while at the hospital (or when they go home). Therefore, I decided to make a list of ten easy ways dads can be involved, and help mom at the same time!

1. Hold the Baby

When I say "hold the baby," I particularly mean skin to skin. Skin to skin is like a reset button on a baby. When all else fails - you've changed the diaper, fed them, burped them, tried to get them to sleep and they're still cranky - try skin to skin. This is done by having the baby in just a diaper and placing them on your bare chest, and pulling a blanket around the baby's back to keep him or her warm. You can still play on your phone or watch tv - just don't fall asleep with the baby! Skin to skin promotes bonding, as well as helps the baby regulate their heart rate, breathing, and temperature. You really can't do enough of it, so you don't have to worry about "spoiling" the baby.

2. Change Diapers (Yes, Including the Poopy Ones)

Newborns typically void and stool (at least) once each on day one of life, twice on day two, three times on day three, up until day five where it's about 5 to 8 wet diapers and 3 to 4 poops a day. Generally I recommend changing the baby on a schedule before each feed, unless they need an additional change afterwards. This helps the baby to be nice and awake for the feed, so that they can have a complete feed and be more likely to sleep afterwards. You don't want to wait until after the feed to change a wet diaper - you might wake them back up! Twelve diaper changes can be a lot for anyone, so next time change the baby before bringing them to mom to feed. She will thank you!

3. Take the Baby on a Walk (So Mom Can Sleep)

While everyone is sleep deprived in the newborn phase, I am going to say that moms in general take the brunt of it. Moms are recovering from nine months of pregnancy, labor and delivery – what a marathon! While the typical advice is “sleep while the baby is sleeping,” that is much more easily said than done. It’s hard to actually rest if you wake up every time you hear the baby make a peep, or hear (or imagine) crying. Taking the baby for a walk gives mom the opportunity to rest while dad and the baby get some fresh air.

4. Go Grocery Shopping

There are two types of people in this world: people who avoid grocery shopping like the plague, and those like me who walk methodically down every single aisle! So, for those who do not like going grocery shopping (or become much too tired once they’ve had a baby), let mom make a list and pick up some fresh produce and easy essentials for her so she doesn’t have to take the baby in public. Top recommendations would include fresh fruits and vegetables, cheese sticks, peanut butter and crackers, and prepared meals ready to be thrown in the oven – essentially something healthy and filling that she can eat quickly and/or on the go, or a full healthy meal with minimal effort.

5. Make Dinner

One of the things I appreciate most in hindsight is the kindness of those who brought or made me food after having a baby. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach… but the real truth is that it’s also the way to a postpartum woman’s heart! Being up 24/7 makes you extra hungry, so it’s important to have healthy meals with protein to keep you full at night and through the sleep deprivation.

6. Bring her Water (or a Sports Drink)

This is particularly important for nursing moms, as it is important to stay hydrated while breastfeeding to maintain your supply. It is so easy to become dehydrated when you get stuck in the rocker for up to an hour at a time, or are so exhausted you climb into bed without ever drinking anything. I highly recommend having a tumbler with water or sports drink next to your nightstand and/or your usual spot to feed the baby.

7. Make her a Healthy Snack

Snacks are so important to not only help mom get enough energy to work through the sleep deprivation, but also give her a fighting chance to eat! I remember with my first, she would always cry and want to breastfeed every time we sat down for a meal. Being the only one who could feed her, it made it very difficult for me to get a chance to eat. Therefore, I relied a lot on snacks to get me through! Snacks should be healthy, filling, and minimally messy since you do not want to spill crumbs on your newborn. Some of my favorites are apple slices with peanut butter, ants on a log (celery, peanut butter, raisins), and a peanut butter sandwich. To take this one step further, you can even have a little cooler near the rocking chair with snacks and drinks ready to go for those late nigh munchies. Just make sure to pack some napkins too!

8. Help Mom Feed the Baby

People often generalize moms as being the only one involved in the baby's feeding process, but that isn't the case!

- Breastfed Babies: While breastfeeding is natural, it's not always easy. I typically recommend seeing a lactation consultant (IBCLC) while at the hospital so that you can get additional support and ensure that your baby is adequately latching and transferring milk. While in the early stages of breastfeeding, you might have to hand express or pump until your colostrum transitions to mature milk and your baby is able to more easily transfer it from mom. For new moms, hand expression can be tricky (and painful!), and it can be difficult to get the hang of. Dads can help the moms by helping them hand express the milk out. This is done by creating a "C" shape over mom's breast. (It doesn't matter the angle, just try to have your fingertips approximately on either side of the areola with the nipple centered in the middle. Your fingertips and nipple should form points on a straight line.) Compress the tissue straight back, as if going towards her lungs, and then compress straight in. Then relax, and repeat! As you start seeing colostrum, you can begin to distance your fingers further from mom's nipple, and compress the tissue in the back. The further back you go, the more milk can be transferred in a compression. I would recommend dads learn about breastfeeding so they can help mom latch the baby if they are having an issue. Sometimes it is difficult for moms to see what they are doing or to coordinate latching a baby by themselves without an extra set of hands, so dads are a great help in this too! Lastly, if mom does pump, please help her wash and sterilize her pump parts. Pumping takes a long time - approximately fifteen to twenty minutes each side - and then the parts need to be cleaned in hot soapy water (and preferably sterilized) after each use. This is a huge help!

Formula Fed Babies: The beauty of formula fed babies is that both parents can take turns feeding the baby. I recommend feeding the baby using a paced bottle feed technique. This means that you give the baby about 5-10 mL milk (1 oz is approximately 30 mL), take the bottle out of the baby's mouth, burp the baby, then repeat. This helps the baby get milk, not air. If the baby's belly is full of air, they won't be able to drink as much milk, and they also are more likely to be gassy and cranky because their stomach hurts.

Breastfed and Bottle Fed Babies: In this situation, I would recommend mom exclusively breastfeeds when she has the baby, and dad handles all the formula feeds! This way, the baby associates mom with breastfeeding and dad with the bottle. This is especially important if/when the baby starts daycare, as the baby will need to learn how to take a bottle by then. The ideal time to introduce an artificial nipple (pacifier or bottle) is at about 4-6 weeks, after breastfeeding has been well established.

Babies who Spit Up: If your baby spits up, I would recommend holding them upright for about fifteen to twenty minutes after the feed before laying them down. When you are up all day and night with a newborn, those additional twenty minutes are exhausting, but are much less stressful than waking up to the sound of your child spitting up in their bassinet. Therefore, take turns on who is holding the baby upright. It will help you both get a little more sleep!

9. Encourage Her

Being a new parent is hard. You birth this beautiful, helpless new person and have to learn an entirely foreign language of signs and crying to decipher their wants and needs. It feels like they want to be awake 24/7, and demand you are up with them. They want you, and only you. You are not only trying to recover from your own major health event, but also meet the needs of your new baby as well. It’s exhausting!

Encourage her. Tell her she’s doing a great job. Remind her that she is her baby’s (and your) world right now. That you are proud of her. That you believe in her. That she’s beautiful. It sounds so simple, but it means so much. I believe that every new mom struggles to some degree with ability or body image as they are charting new territory of the world called “mom.” Those few words of affirmation can make all the difference in her confidence and attitude, and belief in her ability to perform her new role: mother.

10. Watch for Signs of Postpartum Depression

Postpartum depression (PPD) is one of those things that is incredibly important, but no one really talks about. PPD affects approximately 1 in 7 women, but dads can get it too. If you notice difficulty getting out of bed, taking care of yourself or others, thoughts of harming yourself or others – please see your provider! There is help.